


Rules for Our Safety and Sanity

by FlightyWren



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Humor, Lists, well I think it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-25
Updated: 2015-02-25
Packaged: 2018-03-15 01:19:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3432743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlightyWren/pseuds/FlightyWren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After certain incidents, it was decided that a list of rules was necessary to keep everyone in the Hub from going nuts. At least, it was supposed to be a list of rules.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules for Our Safety and Sanity

**Author's Note:**

> Just something I wrote up to go with an AU and OC of mine (Harper Chase) that will probably never see the light of day. Figured I might as well put it up.

** RULES FOR OUR SAFETY AND SANITY **

Posted 27/01/2008

1\. Under no circumstances is anyone but Ianto allowed to operate the coffee machine. That means you, Jack, that explosion last week was your fault.

2\. The tasers are _not_ toys. They will not be treated as toys. They are not to be put near any liquids (Jack) or used in situations they are not necessary to be used in (Jack, Gwen, Owen).

3\. Comms have volume controls for a reason. We're no use to anyone if we've all gone deaf.

4\. Continuing from rule 1, it's actually probably best if only Ianto is allowed in the kitchen. Period.

5.We're not naming names (Owen), but, regardless of a teammate's immortality (Owen), injuring, maiming, and/or killing them (Owen) is not an acceptable way of expressing any anger or annoyance you feel toward that teammate (Owen).

6\. Despite an appearance as a sweet, quiet bookworm, Tosh will do unspeakable things to you if you interfere in any way with her projects and/or computers' systems.

7\. If you are going to be doing . . . extracurricular activities in the Hub when it is otherwise empty, for the love of everything holy, _TURN OFF THE CCTV FIRST!_

8\. If you do forget to turn off the CCTV that is not a sign from a higher power that you should send the video of your activities to the rest of the team. None of us needed to know just how flexible Ianto is and we _really_ didn't need to know that Tosh is into . . . that.

9\. Playing dead is not funny.

10\. No, it's not, Harper, and Owen doesn't think your claims that he screamed like a girl the first time you “came back from the dead” are funny either.

11\. Retcon is not to be used for personal reasons or for recreation, no matter what Gwen has lead others to believe.

12\. It's not funny to sneak up on Owen while he's performing an autopsy and yell “Janet's escaped!” when he's about to make a critical incision. It's also not funny to fall to the ground, thrashing wildly, and yelling that you're dying after he stabs you with his scalpel. (You were stabbed in the arm, Ianto, you weren't dying.)

13\. End of the world orgies are not a good idea. We don't know where Jack's been and, though Ianto seems willing to risk contracting who-knows-how-many alien STDs by sleeping with him, the rest of us aren't so eager to get some mutated strain of syphilis. Also, Owen, we've been there, seen that, and we _don't_ want to see it again.

14\. Shirtless Fridays was a bad idea. We all agreed. Just let it die, Jack.

15\. Though it was funny to hide chocolate on Gwen's person and watch her be chased around the Hub by Myfanwy, it wasn't “very nice” according to Jack, so we probably shouldn't do it again.

16\. Pretending to be possessed is not a joke.

17\. Just because us old timers have been around so long we've been completely desensitized to every safety protocol in the book, following in our footsteps on that regard is not recommended. Tossing around field equipment like you're bowling a cricket ball is a big no-no.

18\. The locker rooms _are not_ co-ed, no matter what Jack or Owen say. No. They are not.

19\. The showers aren't co-ed either. And the cameras in the corners are purely for surveillance purposes. Not. Personal. Viewing.

20\. Ianto suspends caffeinated coffee privileges for a reason. If you are caught sneaking Starbucks to anyone being given decaf you will receive the same punishment until Ianto thinks you've both learned your lessons.

21\. Artefacts are not to leave the Hub without permission from Jack.

22\. Don't badmouth the Doctor (we all know which regenerations) where Jack can hear you.

23\. Please remember that the comms, unless tuned to a private channel, broadcast to everyone on the team who also has their comms on and that anything you say can be heard, not only by the person you're talking to, but by _everyone else as well._

24\. The hand in the jar by the door? We're not sure what it is exactly, but it's probably best if you don't touch it.

25\. It is against every safety protocol in the book to spin your gun like a cowboy. This is not 19th century Texas, we're not hicks living out in the middle of nowhere, we're fighting aliens, not bandits.

26\. Playing Darth Vader's theme music when Owen comes in with a hangover is not funny.

27\. Really, it's not.

28\. Stop laughing, Gwen and Ianto. Tosh, for heaven's sake, you're his wife!

29\. Singing “Human Again” from _Beauty and the Beast_ when Gwen tries to teach us morals isn't amusing.

30\. Gwen is not allowed to touch the SUV's radio controls. The Backstreet Boys went out at the turn of the century.

31\. If we have to hear Glen Miller one more time, we will not be held responsible for the actions we carry out against Jack's gramophone.

32\. Jack is not allowed to drink espresso. Ever.

33\. The contents of Harper's candy bowl are not to be consumed in one go. Owen.

34\. We are not to set Janet on the pizza boy when he delivers the wrong order.

35\. Don't expect to wear sunglasses and have the retina scanners work.

36\. Mistletoe is not allowed anywhere near the Hub, no matter what time of year it is. (Harper is not happy about that kiss last December and Gwen isn't so thrilled about it either.)

37\. Just because we _can_ teleport to any place and time in the universe, doesn't mean we should.

38\. When Owen says he needs to sterilize his medical equipment, that's not an invitation to dump his scalpels into the fountain.

39\. The excretions of a Belchriakfa slug shouldn't be used to turn the hall between the Hub and the garage into a slip-'n-slide. The walls and floor are _solid concrete_.

40\. Jack is the one that's immortal. Not Owen, not Harper—despite stunts that imply otherwise—not Tosh or Gwen or Ianto. Stop doing stupid things, people.

41\. When Harper says to go jump off a cliff, that's not a challenge to go do just that.

42\. After ten coffees you will be getting either decaf or cut off completely. No exceptions.

43\. Ladies, we know you're gossiping when you start talking in a language other than English.

44\. Pretending your Vortex manipulator's translator is broken is not funny, Jack. Especially on a day when neither Ianto nor Harper are here to translate.

45\. We run diagnostics on the artefacts for a reason. Don't use anything that hasn't been thoroughly tested without express permission from Ianto or Jack.

46\. Actually, even with express permission don't use or touch anything that hasn't been tested.

47\. Continuing on rule 22, the you-know-what down in the you-know-where with you-know-who's picture on it is not to be mentioned anywhere near you-know-who and if he finds it, it was Suzie's idea.

48\. Apparently, we shouldn't blame dead teammates for our bad ideas, so the you-know-what is officially Owen's problem. Even though it really was Suzie's idea.

49\. Being dead is _not_ a valid reason to miss work, unless your name is Captain Jack Harkness.

50\. Owen, if you were dead, you wouldn't be able to call and say you were dead, so just drop it.

51\. Changing Gwen's computer default language to Cantonese because she accidentally broke your favorite mug is not an appropriate way to get back at her.

52\. You should suspend her coffee privileges instead.

53\. No, you should send her on a weevil hunt alone. Without her gun.

54\. Conflict between co-workers is to be resolved before someone resorts to death threats.

55\. Blaming hormones every time one of the female teammates gets upset is a good way to get your eyes scratched out, Owen.

56\. Don't put loud music on when Tosh is trying to run diagnostics on a new artefact. Not only does it ruin the mood, it's made her blow up far too many things due to her jumping when the music was turned on.

57\. The toaster in the kitchen is not a toaster.

58\. Don't put bread, bagels, or anything else in the toaster in the kitchen. Just ask Tosh how well that ends. (Actually, we should probably move that thing to somewhere other than the kitchen; its current location is misleading.)

59\. Myfanwy, despite popular belief, is not a guard dog. We're not allowed to tell her to “sic 'em” when we need reluctant witnesses to talk.

60\. We're not allowed to threaten people with her special sauce either.

61\. Like the Tasers, our guns are not toys. Don't wave a loaded gun around like it's a water pistol. Gwen, there's a reason everyone ducks when you get expressive with a gun in your hand and it's not because we think you'll actually shoot us on purpose.

62\. “Training down in the shooting range” is not a euphemism and training new recruits on proper gun protocol is not an excuse to feel them up.

63\. The workplace is _not_ an appropriate place to argue over which James Bond is better, _Harper_ , _Tosh_ , _Ianto_.

64\. Just because someone prefers one movie character (who shall remain nameless) over another (who also shall remain nameless) doesn't mean you are allowed to throw Werthers at said someone (also nameless) when they suspend your coffee rights (privileges) due to your supposedly “misinformed opinion”.

65\. Continuing on rule 48, new recruits aren't permitted to see the you-know-what down in the you-know-where until you-know-who has mentioned the other you-know-who (who's picture is on the you-know-what) at least ten times in their presence. No, none of that was a Harry Potter reference.

66\. Cardiff has traffic laws for a _freaking reason_ , Jack, follow them! You might not be able to stay dead, but the rest of us don't like having to contemplate the contents of our wills every time we get into the SUV with you behind the wheel.

67\. On the same note as above, if your driving turns Ianto green and makes him grip the dashboard so hard his knuckles turn white (Harper) you're not allowed to drive. Period.

68\. Rearranging Ianto's coffee station on the days he's not in the Hub is not a good practical joke.

69\. The tourist office has a camera in it, please remember this if you ever feel like fooling around when the place is empty. No, Jack, you're not allowed to make a joke about the number of this rule.

70\. There have been some problems with certain teammates (you know who you are) speaking in languages not English when upset, excited, or distracted. Please remember that not all of us can understand what you're saying and shouldn't be held responsible for any questions we accidentally answer while you're talking.

71\. The incident with the Water Tower and the laundry detergent is not going be repeated. _Capisce?_

72\. Playing the 1812 Overture on the Hub's intercom system (on full volume) when Owen comes in with a hangover is officially classed as cruel and unusual punishment and is hereby banned from use as a deterrent against long nights at the pub.

73\. UNIT is a competent organization that has been running for decades and it does not do our relations good to openly mock them when they call or visit the Hub.

74\. Your computer has a plug for headphones for a reason. No one wants to hear that crap you call music, Harper.

75\. No one wants to listen to your crappy music either, Gwen.

76\. Days off are sacred. We are not to be called on our days off unless the Earth is literally about to end. If we are called in on our days off, we cannot be held responsible for our actions against those calling us in.

77\. We're not sure why, but the only people allowed to touch Jack's coat are Jack and Ianto.

78\. Bleach is not an appropriate cleaning solution to use on any stains that make their way onto Jack's coat. It's not funny to even joke about that.

79\. Myfanwy is not a plane. She is not to be saddled and flown around Cardiff like a freaking Hawker Hurricane, Jack.

80\. If you are not licensed to steer the submarine don't try to anyway.

81\. New recruits are subject to humiliating hazings, annoying nicknames, and demeaning tasks to be carried out until current employees see fit to lift the “new girl/boy” title.

82\. Harper, we know you were responsible for Gwen's little encounter with the hand in the jar and, when we can prove you were involved, you _will_ be admonished for that.

83\. Just because we _can_ access Jack's stash of hypervodka at any time doesn't mean we should.

84\. Our computers are not to be used to hack into satellites, probes, or any other kind of space observational device and send inappropriate messages to the labs they are connected to.

85\. UNIT officers don't appreciate it when you emphasize the military aspect of their job. Saying “sir, yes, sir,” and saluting after every sentence they say does not endear you to them.

86\. Yes, Ianto and Harper are in a band. No, they will not sign body parts. (Maybe in private, Jack. Ianto, that is, _not_ Harper.)

87\. All sports to be played in the Hub need to be played inside a force field, unless you want Tosh to kill you for harming the computers with a wayward ball.

88\. Dumping organs from your latest autopsy on the conference room table while we're eating dinner is not a good joke, Owen.

89\. Let's just cover all practical jokes pulled by Ianto and Harper. Things that belong in a horror movie are _not joke material_.

90\. Hitting on a completely celibate group of alien monks is not a good way to get them to come with us to the Hub, or, as Jack so wisely put it, our Den of Exotic Pleasures. (Jack, Ianto's coffee has never before or since been called an exotic pleasure and the Hub has never been called a den, so you can't pretend that's what you were talking about.)

91\. We don't talk about the stains on the couch; we don't ask about them. In fact, as far as anyone is concerned, those stains don't exist.

92\. Pizza is not a food group. It is not enough to live on when you eat it every day for weeks on end.

93\. Chinese food isn't a food group either, and if you mention beer you will be beaten over the head with a beer bottle, Owen. You're a _doctor_ , for heaven's sake!

94\. We honestly don't care if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/significant other outside work. As long as you're not doing anything completely illegal, we don't care what you do with or to them in your free time and we _don't_ want to hear rambling stories about such activities.

95\. The oven in the kitchen hasn't been used for baking in . . . since it was installed, we think, so don't be surprised if, on the off chance you try to use it, it goes up in smoke.

96\. We do not put coworkers in the cryo-tanks.

97\. Not while they're alive, anyway.

98\. Don't put coworkers in the morgue lockers either.

99\. Yelling, “wake up, you bastard idiot, wake up!” is not an appropriate medical procedure to be performed on a teammate that's been seriously injured in some way.

100\. “Keep calm and call Torchwood” is not our motto. We don't have one. We will be taking suggestions for a motto, but so far we've got nothing. (No, we won't be taking suggestions, Ianto, we don't need a motto.)

** ADDITIONS TO THE RULES FOR OUR SAFETY AND SANITY: **

A1. (Date added: 14/02/08) Jack and Gwen, Valentine's Day is not an excuse to make it look like a fifty-gallon container of Pepto-Bismol exploded inside the Hub.

A2. (Date added: 14/02/08) Valentine's day is also not an excuse to give your boyfriend inappropriate gifts in very public ways.

A3. (Date added: 06/03/08) No putting hallucinogenics in someone's coffee because they accidentally deleted your Second Reality account.

A4. (Date added: 17/03/08) Gwen and Owen are not allowed to sing in the Hub, especially when they're completely hammered.

A5. (Date added: 20/03/08) The contents of the armory are not toys.

A6. (Date added: 23/03/08) Just because Ianto and Harper can forge the signature of every team member doesn't mean you can lump them with all of your paperwork.

A7: (Date added: 01/04/08) Sneaking up on Harper's bad side and then grabbing her shoulder is not a good April Fool's joke and the bloody nose and sore shoulder you get as a result of being put in a hammerlock are your own damn fault, so stop whining.

A8: (Date added: 03/04/08) In reference to rules 10, 17, 19, 28, 29, 34, 45, 51, 53, 54, 56, 62, 64, 67, 74, 75, 79, 82, 88, 89, and 93: the list of rules is not to be used as a discussion board for team members. If you want to write someone a note, do it on your own paper.

A9. (Date added: 05/04/08) Any suspicious happenstances you experience should be reported to a eammate immediately. Do not assume that, because you think it's reality, it is.

A10. (Date added: 07/04/08) Don't run off with the Doctor.


End file.
